Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment at 1pm that I mentally prepared for all morning. I told myself I was going to be okay no matter what, that I could control my feelings and that I could remain calm.
Within five minutes of the visit, I was full on ugly crying. I filled tissue after tissue with mascara and snot.
My husband came to the appointment with me and his eyes filled with tears, knowing I was in agony. He stroked my arm, telling me that I was beautiful and that he loved me.
The doctor looked at me with sympathy, probably wishing she could shoot me up with valium, because the mascara running down my face made me look like I was in the middle of a mental breakdown.
She didn’t tell me I was dying. She didn’t tell me I had cancer. She didn’t give me any sort of life-changing news.
What sent me over the edge was stepping on the scale and realizing that despite eating mostly raw veggies and salads for the past month for every meal, I didn’t lose a single pound. I gained a pound.
One pound.
Not really worth sobbing over, right?
But, it wasn’t about the one pound.
I wept because I was fed up with feeling like I have no control over my health. I have to take a medication that’s made me gain over 25 pounds in three months which means I’m at a high risk of developing diabetes. For someone who’s 5’3”, that’s a lot of weight to put on in a short amount of time.
You can probably imagine how my self-esteem crumbled and hid in a corner while I looked embarrassingly at the nurse as she wrote down my weight, praying she wouldn’t say it out loud.
And, I’m scared to share this with you.
Just thinking about hitting publish makes my heart race and my palms sweat.
I could just keep taking photos at my best angles and not show much of my body, avoiding selfies on social media as much as possible. I could angle the camera down while filming videos and hope that nobody noticed.
And, it’s not just about the weight.
I don’t want you to think I’m so vain and put so much importance on a number even though I won’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me. (That’s another reason I thought about deleting this post.)
There are other terrible side effects of this medication including osteoporosis, rapid heartbeat, long-term heart damage, eroding tooth enamel and more. Every single time I take this medication, my sinuses burn like they’re on the fire, my nose bleeds the next day, and my ankles swell to three times their size if I sit for more than 30 minutes.
It sucks.
If I don’t take this medication, I’d have to live in the hospital, because I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink. It’s not one of those medications that I could get by without; however, over the long-term, it’s literally taking years off my life.
I’m telling you this because over the last few months, I’ve realized how much my thoughts control and affect me.
“Since self-image is determined by what you consistently say to yourself, you have the power to direct your self-image by directing your self-talk.” -Dr. Jason Selk and Tom Bartow, Organize Tomorrow Today
For the past few months, I’ve been telling myself that I’m ugly and unattractive and completely unsexy.
Every time my husband compliments me on my looks, I give him the wife death stare (instead of saying thank you), because he couldn’t possibly be attracted to me with this extra weight.
I had to buy new jeans, because I only had one pair that still fit. I almost donated all of my “skinny” clothes to Goodwill even though my doctors have assured me that when I get off this medication, my weight will drop pretty quickly.
While I shopped for new clothes for my new body, I wanted to find sweaters I could hide in and pants with elastic waistbands. Thank goodness, I realized something important instead.
I’ve spent way too many hours over the past few months thinking about my weight gain. And, the weight gain didn’t make me miserable–the thoughts did.
“That which you focus on expands. Focusing on the negative is essentially like fertilizing the weeds in your yard.” -Dr. Jason Selk and Tom Bartow, Organize Tomorrow Today
Throughout these months, I’ve also had some great days.
I felt pretty and attractive in some of the new clothes. Those thoughts made me feel comfortable enough to walk to Starbucks and write for hours or get a ton done during the day and then cook dinner with my husband, flirting with him by lightly spanking him with a spatula or kissing him unexpectedly.
Those good days have been a blessing in a very dark period of my life.
I’m sharing this with you for three reasons (and none are for pity because we all have tough stuff we have to deal with):
1. I haven’t done a lot of live videos even though I looooooooooove live video, because I’m afraid of what I’ll look like or if someone will say something rude to me about my weight gain (which could happen no matter what I weigh because there are terrible, unhappy people in this world).
Instead of focusing on the bad, I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m flooded with endorphins when I get to hang out with you on live video. So, you’ll see me hosting a lot more FB live videos on my business FB page. I hope you join some of them.
2. A lot of women struggle with body shame issues. No matter what size we are, we all have things we’d like to change. I’m trying to become comfortable with the way my body looks now, because there’s nothing wrong with it.
If I had a daughter, I would be ashamed with what I’d be teaching her by focusing so much on what I look like. I know she would pick up on it and think that if you gain weight, you’re less worthy. I would never want to teach girls or young women that their worth is related to the size of their bodies.
3. And, most importantly, your thoughts and attitude absolutely matter.
If you concentrate on the bad, you bring more yuckiness into your day and life.
If you concentrate on the good, you bring more radiance into your day and life.
You have so much more control than you think you do.
Since I have to take this medication that makes me gain weight, I could say, “Screw it. I’ll just eat pasta and jolly ranchers and french fries.” Or, I could keep eating healthy because those foods give me energy and fuel me to run this business I love so much and will at least help me gain as little weight as possible.
I can concentrate on the fact that the insurance board granted us a 3rd party review!
I can focus on the fact that I’m married to one of the top 100 trial attorneys in the United States (yep, he has this award) who read 150+ journal articles about my autoimmune issues and wrote an impressive 8-page letter to the insurance company on why I need this other treatment option (that would allow me to stop taking the terrible weight gain medicine) to include in our 3rd party review.
I have thoughtful doctors who also wrote letters on why I need this very expensive treatment that my insurance doesn’t want to pay for.
My mom and mother-in-law also dropped everything to write letters to include in the packet.
My whole family is behind me, ready to do anything to make my life easier.
I could be all alone. I could be trying to fight the insurance company without an attorney who wins battles with insurance companies all the time.
I have a business I love and a membership site that is growing every single day. Maybe you’ll be the new member today? (We’d love to have you!)
This third point is the most important, because it’s life changing stuff.
If you constantly complain and think about the bad stuff in your life, you’re going to remain miserable. If you start focusing on the good things, no matter how small, you’re going to have a life worth living.
It’s up to you.
What are you going to be today?
Happy or miserable.
It’s a choice.
Is it really that terrible that the barista messed up your order and you have to wait a couple extra minutes for your triple venti, half-sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato? That’ll give you the chance to visualize your upcoming meeting and how you’re going to impress your clients so much that they sign up with you immediately.
Do you really need to huff and puff when you have to park at the back of the grocery store parking lot? That’ll give you a chance to get a bit more exercise that day. That’s a win and something you should do anyways.
Do you really need to slam the burnt casserole onto the counter, cursing at the oven? That just means you have a good reason to laugh, order pizza and watch Gilmore Girls.
You can change negative things into positive points of view–not always, but way more often than we think we can.
I’ve done myself such a disservice by focusing on the negative these past few months.
1. I would never have known.
2. I look forward to more video!!
3. Yay for the review and supportive family members!!!
Oh my gosh! You are stunning and I never would have known either! choose HAPPY! 🙂 xoxo
I’m reading this at the airport and trying not to tear up in public. You are inspiring and beautiful and powerful. Thank you for sharing with all of us!
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I’m a recently new subscriber. After listening to you on a podcast and then combing thru (ok… googling and taking mad notes) from your free blogging for business download, I have learned so much from you. I’m just starting a blog, to help drive people to my website (I’m a hand-made apparel product maker) and you have already helped me so much. I just want you to know that. You are helping people… you are amazing and thank you for sharing and not hiding. We all go thru this in some capacity or another. Give yourself some grace… beauty and power come from within and even though I don’t personally know you, it shows thru your writing that you possess both. sending hugs
I just stumbled onto you because of Creative Live and the class you teach on blogging. I am signing up on Wednesday and cannot wait to dive in and fix my blog and make it great because of you!! I have only been blogging since February 1st, 2017 even though I’ve vacillated for almost 2 years before pulling the trigger and was part of WordPress and wrote a ton of blog posts. Reading your post above and seeing how raw you were is exactly how I want to be in my blog. I applaud how beautiful your site is and what a great teacher you are that I could tell from a mere 30 minute trial on Creative Live. My prayers and good vibes go out to you during this tough time but you are right…choose happy. It can be so hard but you seem like a ray of sunshine and you seem to have an audience that cares about you…embrace that. Best of luck to you and I cannot WAIT to take your class. My blog is called Curiosities and Conundrums at http://www.curiositiesandconundrums.com would love to know what you think. Look forward to getting to know you through the wonderful world of blogging!!
Anita
Thank you for your honest. Its refreshing snd a true sign of a fesrless leader.
Sending you love, (((hugs))), and happy, positive thoughts! Thank you for sharing your heart and trusting us with it. *muah, muah*
April, I am sending you SO MUCH light and love and happy thoughts, my dear. You are an inspiration (and I don’t take that word lightly). You inspire me every single day. I am so very grateful to be able to call you a friend. I honestly don’t know what to say other than I am so very sorry you are going through this. You deserve a healthy body that loves you back…and I know you will have that someday, because you are a fighter! You are amazing and I am so proud of you for fighting, for changing your perspective, for finding the joy…for helping me find the joy. ♥
I appreciate you sharing your heart and the goings on in your life. Transparency is hard but I think good for our soul at the same time.
I can’t even begin to know what you’re going through but just wanted to say that I will be saying a prayer for you that God will help you, give you strength and help you daily.
One thing I feel like God is trying to teach me is that even when my life is not what or where I want it to be (whether it’s my weight, family issues, my kids development etc..) that I can still walk in His peace regardless…and like you said “choose” happiness, gratitude, thankfulness and love.
Dearest April, I so relate to what you are saying. Today I asked about pictures of ourselves on our site, because I do not like pictures of myself anymore, since my jaw has been deteriorating, and I do not look like I used to look. I do practice focusing on my blessings each and every day, but sometimes the pain and discomfort, makes it hard for me to move forward, to create my website and to launch the business I so dearly want to, and need to.
I am astounded at how much you give, how bright and beautiful you remain, and how much you love what you do, and continue to share, in spite of all these challenges. Thank you, and, put yourself first. Take care of yourself first. I do not know what the best diet for you would be, but I have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, bone broths and other nourishing warm foods can be beneficial. Thank you for sharing, you give us all courage to be real.
April,
I know exactly where you’re coming from. I take a pretty terrible medication myself, every day. Taken it since I was 13 and will never be off of it. It’s killing my bones and my liver but it allows me to lead a more normal life. There are other side effects and sometimes I get pretty discouraged, but more often than not, I thank God that
this medication even exists to help me.
I pray that you’re able to work things out with your insurance, going through the same battle myself right now coincidentally.
I totally agree that we NEED to learn to CHOOSE happiness every day. Being grateful and choosing to be positive is what keeps us going.
I look forward to more live videos from you! You’re not alone in this and thank you for sharing. This is something I REALLY identify with.
MUCH LOVE!
I may not be able to financially join the club right now, but I’m glad you shared & I know that’s what I’ve been trying to do for myself, choose positive over negative(there is a lot of negative right now) & choosing to just be happy(it’s hard when so much is going backwards). I have to tell myself to stand strong, be positive, and have patience. It’s hard but to know we all have struggles(not the same but close). Thanks for sharing! I hope you feel better soon or they find a medication that does the same but less side effects.:)
I see you as a powerful beacon of light. It does not matter if your the size of a lighthouse or a flashlight. The clarity of your beam is vibrant, beautiful and deeply helpful – regardless of the shape of your container. I say, do what ever it takes to keep that light on, even if it means doubling or tripling in size. Don’t look in the mirror to find your worth or identity. When in doubt, close your eyes and remember all the souls you have inspired through your kind and loving presence in this world. Your light is your true identity. It will always be beautiful.
Oh my gosh this is just what I’ve been going through. I have an autoimmune disease and now I’ve reach perimenopause. Lately it has all felt too much and just as I have aimed to be more visual on my blog. I 100% believe in what you are saying and somedays it comes naturally now. But, other days it still feels hard, after all we live in a harsh world! On those days, I get super productive – like I’m charged on goji berries or something! You are truly beautiful, inside and out and only those who agree are worth your energy. X
I loved that post April! I so get how difficult it is. I’ve been struggling with my self-confidence a lot, concerning how I look and my chronic illness wants me to hide from the world. And yes it is important to go out there anyway and find a positive perspective! You rock and I am cheering you on all the way!
Dear April sending you love and my warmest good wishes for a life as perfect as you want it be, for always! You are blessed in so many ways, and not least by a spirit luminous and loving and couragous – may you be blessed in every way you want!
Thank you for your open generous rousing call to take us all out of the dark places in our hearts & minds…
Be blessed! Warmly, Renuka
I love this…I’M DONE WITH IT. I CHOOSE HAPPINESS. I CHOOSE GRATITUDE. I CHOOSE LOVE.
To love myself for what I am, not expect myself to be different or ‘better’ is what gets me through a lot of the time. As you say we all have some kind of stuff going on, it’s the thoughts that let the ego take over, or not! …it’s not easy, we’re all in it together 🙂
April,
I was so sad to read your article. Every time I watch you Creative Live classes ( yes I am an April Bowles Olin junkie) I think how lucky we are to have you in our corner as we learn and grow as business women. You have helped so many people by sharing your knowledge and I thank you for that.
It is now time to let you know I am in your corner, we may not know each other personally by know that I am praying for you and that the 3rd Party works in your favor.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts. Never give up on yourself as you have never given up on us.
Love you
Kim
I soooo needed this today! You are so beautiful and such an inspiration!
Love
Elisabeth
Wowee! April! Bless you! Thank you for writing such an honest and real blog post. I love this whole thing so much that I want to stretch my arms into my laptop screen and give you a giant squishy hug (the kind where you need to break for air!) What really struck a cord with me was when you said that if you had a daughter you would never let her see or believe these things and you are soooooo right. I am yet to have children but I sure as hell wouldn’t let my daughters, or sons for that matter, feel like they are defined by what they look like, so why the hell am I doing it to myself? There are enough mean spirited people in this world – why would I be one of them to myself? This is such a game changer April! I am overweight and am slowly losing it this year (Self-care is big on my list this year) I’m in a good mindset about it and am determined, but when I have days where I could eat the entire fridge or I glace myself in a mirror at an unflattering angle, why would I be so mean to myself? Thank you so, so much for this hard-hitting gut punch of a post that I needed this morning to make me realise that I am strong and a doing all I can to get where I want to be…and so are you! Go get ’em April – You have a huge amount of us behind you, no matter what you look like. You are not defined by what you look like and especially not your health that you have no control over – I quite frankly don’t give a damn if you put on a hundred pounds (unless it makes your seriously poorly of course!) I just love to see your personality, your gorgeous smile and your beautiful mind (It is getting creepy not isn’t it!?) . Sorry for such a rambling comment! Much love, Rachel
You are one brave lady and I admire you for that! I totally relate with every single word in your post, although I am healthymyself, I am taking care of a very sick family member and this is not easy neither. I also choose to be happy every day. It helps, really. Wishing you strength and the power to face everyday with a smile! Hugs and positive thoughts from Greece!!!
Thank you for sharing this post, April, and for putting yourself out there! You bring up such an important point that we get to choose how we feel or react to a given situation. (I actually told my husband this very thing the other day!)
On another note, I know you’ve been through so much, and I’m hoping that the insurance company listens to your doctors and family members. (And your husband is absolutely amazing!)
April, I read this while still under the covers, waiting for that “copy fairy” you joked about in yesterday’s Sunday Society post, not particularly enthusiastic about facing another cold, wet, gloomy morning with a classroom full of kids who haven’t had outdoor recess nearly enough lately. Thank you for being that amazing friend who finds a way to put everything in proper perspective. Your positive outlook despite having to deal with an ongoing serious health issue is an inspiration to us all and a reminder that everyone we encounter has a story that affects the way he or she faces the day. You have chosen happiness and gratitude, and have just challenged me to do the same. I hope and pray that your health improves with each passing day.
Yes ! I choose happiness! That’s exactly what I needed to hear ! I lost my dad last month and I’ve just been out of sorts ! I’m not motivated to do anything new at all ! But I think dad would not want me to to be like this! Thank you! I love reading your newsletters ! They are very different!
Yes yes yes yes YESSSSS!
These health battles are so completely frustrating, & I can empathize a TON with that lack of control feeling…and the weight gain.
But this past year I’ve realized that I kinda dig my “cuddly” body, as my daughters refer to it.
I love the idea focusing on what you can control, & seeing the good when the difficult seems to be too big to miss.
I wish you many more happy Starbucks days, my friend!
Embrace those stretchy pants; they are a gift from the divine.
xo
Kris
Oh April, this brought tears to my eyes! I wish so much that I could give you a giant hug right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have such a kind, beautiful soul and you give so much to all of us!
This post is a perfect example of that, sharing such a difficult part of your life right now so that we can all benefit from what you’ve learned and how you’re dealing with this. I also agree this is probably the most important lesson we could all learn – that we can choose to be happy and grateful no matter what is going on in our lives.
I am feeling so grateful right now that I have been able to learn from you over the past few years and that I continue to learn from you in Sunday Society. Thank you for everything! And I’m so grateful you have such a wonderful support system to help you through this as well as the wonderful insight that you CAN choose to be happy!
Sending so much love and wishes and hope the insurance company grants you the treatment you need asap!! XX
What a generous post – thank you! You’ve mentioned on occasion about your health issues and I’m always astounded by how much you get done and how positive you are. It’s an incredible example and one I really admire. Again, thank you!
Oh April!!
I’m so sad to hear you are having such a difficult time with your health. I had no idea it was so rough for you right now, though I had a feeling that something was going on.
It must be so frustrating for you! I can relate to the degree that I was put on a medicine a few years back that packed 35 pounds on me, and I’ve never been able to get it off. The combination of life being to busy, me getting older, and my system lacking the kind of stamina it takes to burn the weight off. So now I focus on being healthy. I still want the extra weight off, and I’m doing better about stopping my work and going to the Y, but it’s a slog. And it may never come off. I am learning to accept it, and get on with my life anyway. Thankfully I’m off the med, and overall my health is really good. I’m blessed in that way.
I avoided video for the longest time, because I didn’t want to show myself to people. So I can TOTALLY relate to that! Why would people want to see me when I have photos of all these beautiful models?? There was also the issue of needing the right equipment to edit and shoot and all of that…..but my biggest hangup when I started was my weight…..and my age. I’m older than just about all the craft bloggers out there….by about 20 years. And I’m about 30 years older than the average YouTuber. But I had to make up my mind that I was going to put myself out there anyway. I want my business to be successful and I can’t hide myself away anymore, or I’ll never get there.
You’re right about the attitude thing. Makes. A. HUGE. Difference. I started doing gratitude walks where you just go for a walk and think about all the things you are grateful for and say your thanks for it. Somedays it’s really hard. So you say “I’m thankful for eyes that can see. I’m thankful I can walk by myself. I’m thankful I can hear the birds and kids playing. I’m thankful I have my cozy house waiting for me at the end of my walk.” Stuff like that. It really does help lift the spirits and get your mindset to shift.
Don’t minimize your health conditions. What you have is serious. It’s no joke. So don’t feel like you have to ignore it and brush it off, either. And you’re allowed to grieve for some things you’ve lost. I would be crying over that gorgeous wardrobe, too!
But yes, you have Kris by your side. And what a blessing he is. You have a wonderful, supportive community that adores you. But take care of you, too. I’m wondering if acupuncture might help you, if for no other reason than to help you find your chill. It’s a very relaxing space to be in. I don’t know if your system would tolerate the needles, but if it will, you might consider it. It is absolutely helpful in dispersing built up negative emotions.
Love you so much, April, and I’m sad to hear such an inspiring and bright light in this world is having such a difficult time. You can call me anytime!!!
April, have you ever heard of the Medical Medium? It’s a man named Anthony Williams who specializes in healing autoimmune issues that doctors really don’t know much about. He talks about different foods and supplements to take that helps to heal. There are two books that he has written, the medical medium and life changing foods. I highly recommend getting both.
This is something I’ve been struggling with as well. My medication wasn’t as important and was also effecting my mood and giving me emotional breakdowns. So the problem just fed itself. Nathan has been so supportive and finally convinced me to get off the medicine, but it’s taking a while to fully get out of my system.
Kris is amazing and I hope he can convince your insurance to get you to treatment you need. Thanks for sharing. It can feel so lonely to have these struggles because we’d all rather cover them up than share openly.
Much love to you and Kris.
I randomly dropped by your web site after finding you on Google (searching for CommentLuv). About six years ago, I quit smoking … and suddenly, I went from 90 pounds to my current weight … which I won’t say in a comment, haha. I’ve tortured my poor husband with all my self-shaming comments. So I truly understand your feelings!!
Love your message here April. I’m going to share it with my blog community as I know they will find it as inspiring as I have. Sending much love, healing powers, and hugs your way! XOXO
I personally think you look fabulous every time I see you on camera (even the day you shot the SS video after you took your meds that make you sweat and you said your makeup looked horrible – you did not look horrible – at. all.). No matter, I know how much our thoughts can sabatouge us. I think we women go through phases of feeling possitive and then negative. I swear it’s hormonal! Anyway, thanks for sharing your vulnerability with us today. You are in my prayers, April, and I’m happy that your insurance will pay for this new treatment. I can’t wait to hear how it helps you, friend!
I was diagnosed with Bell’s palsy 19 months ago which caused my face to become paralyzed on the right side. It has healed significantly in these past months, but not completely. I had put off doing video tutorials in the hopes that my face would have healed by now, but I made a decision last week to become vulnerable by allowing my face to be seen to potentially thousands of people. I realized that my vulnerability could become a powerful encouragement to someone else, and for that reason alone, it’s worth doing. I also refuse to allow Bell’s palsy to limit or define me. And also to give other people more credit for the ability to see beyond to the person inside. For me, going ahead and making the video(s) is an act of defiance. My “looks” do not define me, and neither does Bell’s palsy. So, good for you, April. I am very proud of you, and I’m standing with you.
Thanks April, for being so real !
My teenage son was diagnosed with Diabetes 1 in December. I know its a lifelong battle, we are learning together how to treat it and what to eat. I feel grateful because he is so full of life and pursuing his goals. You are too, in spite of your illness, you always choose to show up and shine !
Keep being an example to us!
Lots of love, Ana
April, thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. Today’s post touched a nerve with me, and evidently many others = ) I have been participating in a 30 days of kindness challenge, and can encourage you that yes, focusing on the positive and not the negative does wonders. May you be encouraged and lifted up knowing that you matter — you have been a source of inspiration to so many, and my hope and prayer is for health and healing, and that today you would be able to take time to be still and count your many blessings.
I know you are a reader, so if you haven’t already read Jonathan Bailor’s “Calorie Myth” you might check it out…
Again, thank you April, and may you smile today, knowing that you are loved and appreciated by so many.
Oh April. I feel for you so much! As someone who has been in the depths of despair with health issues and now (at 40!) feels thousands of times better than I did at 25, 35, etc I just want to give you hope. I didn’t think it was at all possible to feel better, and that I was totally missing out on my kids’ lives and I just needed to sleep my life away. But if I could turn it around, you will be able to. Just have faith that you will be able to as well. Autoimmune issues SUCK and I wish I didn’t have two AI diseases, but I do, and they aren’t going away, so the only thing that us with AI diseases can do is figure out ways to overcome them. And you are so strong and have such a positive outlook on life that I have no doubt you will be able to!!
April – Your transparency is inspiring. I have struggled with body image for years, plus have had major health issues in the past. Although I am still overweight, I just seriously got to thinking earlier this week that I must change my attitude about my life. I am now 67 with a 76-year-old husband who is disabled. I realized just this week that my thoughts about life have shifted as though I am also disabled. I promised to tell myself every day that I am a healthy vibrant beautiful woman. I need to get out more and act on this so I can live my life to its fullest. Your post is just so relevant to me and to most of us. Thank you.
Thank you for reminding us to choose to be happy. I needed that reminder this week.
I’m not sure why it included a link on my last comment. I did not mean to do that. Sorry if it looks spammy. I realy just wanted to say thanks for reminding us to choose happy!
April, you are amazing. The emotional strength that it must take to turn something so worrying and demoralizing into a positive astounds me. One the last several months of Sunday Society, I’ve had the privilege of watching you “in action”, so I already knew that you are an exceptional individual, but this post confirms it. Hang in there. You are giving to the universe, and the universe will see you right in the end. The insurance will come through and your health will improve (and you’ll have a great excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe ) Sending all good thoughts your way.
Awwww April, big hugs flying to you across the ocean!! I’ve always considered myself a glass-half-full kind of girl and I’ve even had to cut negative people out of my life. Now, I totally believe that our thoughts, feelings and emotions influence the outcome of our lives. So glad that you are seeing the glass as half full! Good luck with the review and I’m sending all happy, healthy thoughts!
April, I’ve come here several times since you posted this to make a comment, but I haven’t been able to do so without tears.
I know this struggle all to well and it makes me sad that you’re dealing with it right now.
Please know that you have so many people here who adore you and who are ready to listen no matter your weight or how you appear on the outside (which is beautiful, btw!).
It makes me sad that my personal self-talk is so unkind, and that often I am not my own friend. I would never speak to my friends (like you!) or future children in the harsh and negative way that I speak to myself.
I love how you are focusing on the good things you have. You are absolutely right, happiness is a choice and the way we speak to ourselves is a choice. So, I’m going to choose another way.
Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing your heart.
Oh my gosh yes. This. Same here… I felt a little convicted reading it, because I say things about my weight allllllll the time.
April, I struggle with weight and self-image issues as well. I want you to know that gaining one pound was not a failure on your part. Your attention to what you eat kept it from being a 10-pound gain, maybe even more, so only gaining one pound was a huge win. Also, you look fabulous in the videos, I never for a moment thought you were overweight. (Btw, just got an email that there are brownies in the office kitchen, and I am not going there.)
I do not have any particular health issues, but I have gained a significant amount of weight in the last four years (due to stress, my doctor says), and since I am older, it is proving much more difficult to lose than when I was younger. Also the stress has not really gone away, so that is not helping. All I can do is keep on keeping on, and that is all any of us can really do about things over which we have limited control.
On the topic of choosing happiness – just before I read your post I was telling a coworker what a great day I was having. I woke up an hour late this morning and rushed to get out the door after deciding I had to go into the office. I was sure I would have to park far from the metro and would be stuck in a crowded train, but decided to cruise the front row of the parking lot on the off chance there might be a spot – and there was! And I got a seat on the train. You are so right, it is the little things. 🙂
I hope the medical situation settles down soon for you, but meanwhile, I am happy that we will be seeing your lovely self on more videos. You go, girl!
(I am going to the kitchen to refill my water bottle now. Must. ignore. brownies.)
April, you really are an inspiration. I am one of those folks who doesn’t want to show herself at all. I figure that no one wants to see a fat old lady on their screen (I will be 70 soon). I had been a dancer from the time I was 3 years old til I was 24. At 33, I developed a nasty version of fibromyalgia and was unable to walk even half a block or lift a bottle of orange juice from the fridge. My weight has gone up and up and though I eat heathy things, I developed the diabetes and all of the other complications from age and inability to exercise.
I’ve always said that I am so lucky and that if this is the worst that life deals me, I can be grateful for it. But I, too, am in pain a lot. It is a huge struggle (as I have now added a number of additional chronic conditions to the list). I do understand how you feel and how you could get so upset about a pound when you are trying so very hard. Each “new” thing feels like the proverbial “straw”.
You have a lot of folks rooting for you and you are truly amazing. Just take care of yourself and try to make your days a painless and stress-free as you can. I so hope that you win the battle with the insurance folks.
Oh, April, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate, I’ve struggled with my weight for so many years, part of that was because of medication as well, and I dread the bi-yearly doctor’s visit because of their focus on my weight. I do all I can (eat healthy, exercise), but stress and hormones always do a number on me that makes loosing the few extra pounds a real challenge. And don’t get me started with clothes! Buying clothes size 11 in a size 0 world is a nightmare! My weight is also a reason why I don’t have pictures of myself on my blog or have done video… I mean, besides my extreme introversion.
You know what? I’m pretty sure once you get a different medication, you’ll get back to your perfect weight because you’ve already started to eat healthy and that’s half the battle for most.
Sending tons of good vibes your way hoping that soon everything will fall into place and thank you so much for reminding me that we need to be kind to ourselves every day.
Saying prayers for your physical and mental health. Now, I know that last part sounded bad. I don’t think you’re crazy; I just believe we all need a little help from above.
What you wrote was so powerful. I do believe that since I have been reading a little about neuroplasticity and our brains, there is a very strong mind/body connection. How we think does make new pathways in our brains, so thinking positive makes for a better life!
You are so brave and beautiful. Your beauty has everything to do with who you are inside. No body shame! And thank you for posting this.
I am so happy you chose happiness! Embrace your body and your whole amazing self! I am happy you are blessed with so much love. I will keep you in my prayers so that you get better and continue lighting up our lives (and inboxes) with all your wisdom. Faith and strength my dear April, this too shall pass.
Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through! That was super brave! It also shows you really care a lot about your readers to share something so vulnerable! I am going through some health issues myself and it is great to see that you are choosing Love, Gratitude and Happiness! It is something that I have also decided for myself because I want to take my health back. Having a better attitude about it will get you everywhere! I wish you the best and I wish you fast healing.
April..hugs to you! Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with all of us. We need to see that we are all struggling with some aspect of our lives and that it’s OKAY! You are awesome because of who you are on the inside (even though your outside is beautiful too). I love, love your message about how our thoughts control our lives. I wear a bracelet that says “Thoughts Become Things; Choose the Good Ones”. I got it many years ago from someone in a coaching group I was part of and that message seriously was the beginning of a complete change in my attitude and life. I’ve gone through several over the years and give them to my coaching and retreat clients. I try to practice what I preach too and when I’m having a “moment”, I just look at my wrist for a reminder. Thank you again! I love ya and I’m sure the rest of your peeps feel the same.
Hi April,
All I can say is Hooray!, because you have discovered the fact that you have the power to make it better for yourself. I know how hard that is, I suffer from a Chronic Illness and 4 years ago it came to the point where I had to give up my job. Believe me, it was hard, I sat around for a couple of years wondering what to do now, then my husband and kids gave me a laptop for my birthday, what a game changer, I could travel all over and talk to people all over the world. I made some new friends, but I hadn’t realised the potential that was right in front of me. I was a follower of many blogs but it had never crossed my mind to be a blogger until it struck me in the middle of the night. Since then I have started three blogs and failed at two, but late last year, I started to see that my mindset was what was holding me back, so I have now started a third and I am in the process of starting a business site to become a VA.
And the reason I am doing it is not primarily because I want to make some money but because I love to blog, so if I have no one offering me anything I will still do it because it makes me happy.
By the way, the medication I’m on also makes me gain weight and I have an extra 75 lbs because I am not capable of a lot of movement. But you know what, it doesn’t bother me as much as sitting around and doing nothing did. Mindset IS everything.
Good luck with your journey, look to the day when you can go back to feeling like you, but remember even if you don’t LIFE IS STILL Worth IT.
April, my heart goes out to you as you face the reality of what medication can do to those of us with autoimmune diseases. When I was 60 years old and still working I was experiencing all kinds of pain and placed on heavy doses of Prednisone…….the best of drugs and the worst of drugs…………the pain eased but I gained 57 pounds in 6 weeks taking me to 163 lbs. My frame not meant to carry that much extra weight began to have other issues. So doctors increased the doses and I went up to 190 pounds. Like you I avoided cameras and outings. Then along came a pulmonary embolism and two years after that came lung cancer. That is when I recognized the difference between problems and inconveniences. Added weight is inconvenient; life threatening illnesses are real problems. I decided to stay as positive and optimistic about my future as possible. I will be 78 this year, still on low dose of Prednisone daily and 21 other pills, and back down to 163. Now age is causing me to shrink and lose two inches of my height, and I am definitely too short for my size. In spite of everything I am thankful for the good days and all the blessings of family and friends and that I have faith in God. I am grateful that I have found people like you and Mayi Carles and others who spread sunshine and joy which I can enjoy and truly choose each day to be happy.
You are truly an inspiration to so many, and your joy and sweetness shine through your eyes so we all can see what a beautiful soul you are. I have written you before saying that I may very well be your oldest fan. I admire you and your successful, loving husband for fighting the good fight against the people who block the treatment you need. Each day is a gift from God no matter how we feel or what problems we face. You have chosen the right attitude which you exhibit to all of your admirers. You give of yourself and your expertise to all of us who appreciate all that you do. Your videos are helpful, your Creative Live classes so beneficial, your blog posts inspiring and uplifting, and your future bright. You will always be beautiful to family, friends, clients, and fans. You continue to make videos and keep your enthusiasm going………..and we will all pray for your recovery and for the 3rd Party Review to result in granting you the treatment you need and deserve.
God Bless you, April.
Are you kidding? With every Sunday Society call I am in awe of how gorgeous you look with your amazing hair and makeup. You are #goals girl!
I am sorry that you have to go through this, and I had no idea it was this bad. The medicine for my blood disease is almost $10,000 per injection, but luckily my insurance covers it, and I am also lucky I don’t have to take it all the time (although I’m terrified of what Trump might do for folks with “pre-exisiting conditions,” ugh).
I love that you can choose happiness in hard times, and I am trying to do the same! There are so many things we can’t control in this world, but how we feel and react to things is one thing we can. 🙂
Katie,
I absolutely agree that it’s all about the way we react to the things that happen in our lives. I’m trying to teach my three year old son this lesson right now as he gets very emotional over things. In trying to convey this lesson to him, it also helps me to pull back a bit and realize that I can create happiness in my own life just with a little change of perspective. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you for being so open and honest. I love every bit of this post because of your vulnerability. I know that we all at one point or another feel like that. I even started a whole series of paintings because of that. I was feeling pretty low and one day I saw some women on IG who really inspired me. They were real women with real bodies, who had learned to love and accept themselves. It was so inspiring I knew I had to paint them… Then many other women started to contact me and tell me their stories. When we share our stories, we heal and help others. Thank you for sharing yours. It only makes me like and respect you even more. BTW, you’re beautiful at whatever size you might be 🙂 And I hope you feel better and healthy soon. Those veggies and all the love you have surrounding you will sure help 🙂
I just cried while reading this, April. The strength you show through your treatment and your vulnerability to share this part of your story with us always touches my heart. I truly hope that the third party gives you some answers and solutions toward your healing. All of us are rooting for you!!!
In the past 6 months I’ve gained 40 lbs… I’ve donated ALL my “skinny” clothes (swimsuit, undies, pantyhose all of it)… many an ugly cry while getting dressed. Its crazy, like literally crazy, how crappy the mental chatter can get when our bodies change.
Thank you for the beautiful, honest reminder that we can always find things to be grateful for right in front of us; we can always choose to re-frame the way we’re viewing our lives and tell ourselves a positive version of our story. As always you’re an inspiration.
Sending you so much love April!!!
I’ve been struggling with unknown health issues too. It’s…I dunno, comforting I guess, to know I’m not the only one and that it’s not because I’m messed up in some way. Shit just happens.
Thank you so much for all you do for us. Despite all this you are still able to push so many people to success. You truly are a Super Woman!
Oh wow April. I wish I could heal you. I’m so happy you have chosen to live life through these hard frustrating medical problems. I have been in a path like yours for several years. I have a liver tumor that can be painful. It’s not malignant but as it grows it gets dangerous for me. I would have never brought this up but I wanted you to know that I truly understand and am sending major good vibes to you. You are such an amazing person and I’m so glad you have become part of my life
Hi, April! I think beauty comes from within and you are sweet and gorgeous!
I know how are you feeling because I have been through chronic sicknesses, and hormone injections to get pregnant, etc. So my weight has varied all my life. I have been anywhere from a size 6 to a size 16, now I am way older than you(43) and I am a size 14, but I try to stay healthy going to the gym between 3 to 5 times per week and eating the majority of times healthy and natural, with the occasional comfort food (french fries or ice cream anyone?)in moderate amounts. Here is what I think April: I have been dieting my whole life, but although I would like to be size 8 or 10 again if I wait until I reach that weight to be happy, to feel sexy, to accept my body, what a sad way to live. So instead I try (because let’s be honest it’s not easy) to love myself and my body the way it is now and to live a balanced life, not a perfect life. I am sorry if I am rambling, just wanted to let you know you are loved and admired and that thanks for sharing this with us, fighting April!!!
April,
I completely understand that feeling you had at your doctor’s office. I recently went through something similar when I lost our second child during my second trimester. I had to have an emergency surgery, and afterward my body didn’t understand that I was no longer pregnant. I gained at least 20 pounds in a matter of months, and now I’ve got this new body that I don’t really recognize as my own.
I, too, feel like it’s so hard to get in front of the camera now. I have felt self-conscious and have put off making videos. But, this year, my word is confident! So, I’m choosing to just move forward and accept where I am now and who I am now. I need to do good work without worrying about my own issues but rather focusing on how much others need to hear what I have to say.
I’m so glad you’re persisting and realizing that this whole community needs you in front of that camera no matter what! We’ll be there right with you. Please know that we understand those struggles and respect all that you do by putting yourself out there for us! Thanks for the vulnerability and the genuine effort to keep going everyday!
You are so beautiful. I took one of your classes on Creative Live and you truly have the gift of inspiring others and I learned so much. Perhaps God has allowed you to experience this adversity to inspire women in a new way. Your energy is wonderful. I just know that you will convert this circumstance into something creative. Because that is who you are. I am old enough to be your Grandma and have lived long enough to recognize true talent. In a short while after you have allowed yourself to come to terms with your loss of your old self, you will bloom into an even better more beautiful you. Karen
Watching over the comments, clearly you have a very supportive community and we appreciate you no matter what you look like.
I know how scary it is to share about personal health and confidence issues, I’ve felt the same way just before hitting publish on my big, fat post on living with depression. So far I’ve received only thank you notes, from the people who struggle with depression as well.
I’m sure this post will have the same effect – many, many people recognizing themselves in your words and thanking you for being a voice for people like them.
In the name of people who struggle with any kind of health challenge, I thank you as well.
Take care of yourself ❤️
I’m going to have to echo a few things people have already said here April.
1) I never would have known you had gained any weight
2) I can’t wait for more videos with you
3) Thank you for being brave enough to put this out there – I’ve read it 4 times now, 4 TIMES, because it brought on tears and overwhelming emotion. I want to hug you and tell you how much I love ya and how gorgeous you are inside out. I want to cry for the pain you have endured inside yourself over this. The release of my own held breathe, my own pain of my struggle with my physical, mental health, and weight gain. Someone else understands.
4) You inspired me – it’s time to step out of the shadows – to be more honest and open with my readers too. It’s time to get vulnerable.
Thank you for being amazing April, and when I said that I’d make the trip to do portraits for you, I meant it. You just let me know when and I will be there!
I’m so impressed with your attitude, April. The attitude of gratitude is huge. I think it can make any situation better. I also think the lack of it is like accepting an invitation to a toxic pity party and don’t nobody want to be at that dance party! So, bring on the live videos and shake it up, girl!!
Wow…what a story and a heavy load to carry…..I believe if God brings you to it…He will bring your through it. Praying for the best for you. I just have two comments….first off, as women we often feel our weight defines who we are….and although our body is part of us it IS NOT the whole of us and we really need to know that in our hearts (and our brains). Second…and this is a lesson I learned a long time ago….when someone compliments us and we deny the compliment (saying things like no I look fat, or no my art isn’t good, or the meal doesn’t taste good, etc etc) what we are really doing to de-valuing the persons opinion. It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson but now that I have, when someone compliments me I’ve learned to quiet all those negative rumblings in my head and just say “Thank you”. So to you, I say thank you for being so brave and honest and sharing your story. Keep up the good fight and know that there are many cheering you on and quietly supporting your journey and pray for your health and happiness.
Such an amazing post thank you for being so brave! As somebody who has been dealing with infertility issues (where our bodies carry the blame) one of the things that’s helps me the most is just what you said: focus on the positive and be self compassionate. You reminded me of that today, when I had a “gray” day and thanks to you, I’m changing my focus. It’s a constant work in progress. I recommend you check out Rene Brown and Kristen Neffs self compassion course 🙂 I loved it and helped me a ton!
This post is brilliant. You show a wisdom beyond your years. It breaks my heart to see anyone suffering so and at such a young age. My son was crippled for life just from taking a prescribed antibiotic when he was 25, 4 years ago, and he has been in pain 24/7 plus suffered mental damage due to the effect on his neurology overall. So I’ve seen the struggle to just survive one’s everyday physical reality. Take comfort; I have discovered that hot mess is the new black. And we’re ALL in style, every one of us in some way or another. You’re doing great, April. Keep up the good work.
What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for writing it 🙂 I’ve been working a lot lately on changing my thoughts away from negative, self-critical ones to positive, uplifting thoughts. I can tell you, it makes such a difference in my happiness.
Thanks for sharing such wonderful article. Really inspiring and got motivated.
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April, you are the most beautiful, stylish and inspiring woman I know. I wish I could give you some of my health for all the motivation you gave me through your blog, on Creative Live and in Sunday Society. Your honesty is touching and the world would be greater if others would follow your steps and be as transparent as you. I hope you don’t have to take that medication too long but if yes, I still want to see your live videos.
I think, if I hadn’t found your Creative Live course 2 years ago and hadn’t joined Sunday society, my life would have had less joy and hope. So thank you for everything! Wish you and your family all the best!